To Kill a Mockingbird

Wednesday, July 31

Over on a book blog I read, Adam of Roof Beam Reader hosted a read-along of this American Classic. Like everyone in America I read this book in the 10th grade for my English class.

via Barnes and Noble
Unlike seemingly everyone in the world, I did not enjoy the book. At all. I honestly don't remember why I had such a distaste for this book. Probably because I'm one of THOSE people who like to hate things that everyone else loves. Just call me April Ludgate, guys.

Via Tumblr
This gif is me after reading this book for the second time, finally, after years and years of false hatred. This book is so gentle and so lovely and so so important. If you haven't read this book for yourself and not for school, go do that. Seriously. These words will live and breathe inside you.

As I started rereading this book I remembered little snatches of the story from my first time reading it but it was so fun to see the stories of Scout and Jem and Boo intertwine with the happenings in the town. This book says so much about us and who we are. It's about the loss of innocence and also staying innocent in the face of horrible adversity. 

I remember feeling that the narration was rather dry on my first read through of this book. This time around, I thought nothing of the sort. It's been a while since a book kept me up late at night reading because I could so vividly see the world these characters were in. Since I could see these people grow and change and fight. It was so nice to feel excited to read a book like this. 

So. Before I get overrun with my gushing love for this book, let's get a brief plot review. Scout and Jem, brother and sister live in the small sleep Southern town called Maycomb. The book begins with older Scout, the narrator of the book, reminiscing about the time Jem had his arm badly broken at the elbow when he was 13. The two can't agree on what started the trouble leading to his accident but Jem assures her that it started the summer Dill came to town and the obsession with Boo Radley began. 

Part one of this book concentrates on the childhood of Jem and Scout when they were 10 and 6, respectively. Dill came to them that summer and they spent their time playing make believe about the mysterious Boo Radley who always remained in his house. Atticus, their father, and also one of the most attractive men in literature, works as a lawyer, Scout starts school, someone begins leaving the children gifts inside of an old tree, and the case of Atticus's lifetime lands at his feet. Atticus is to defend Tom Robinson, a black man accused of raping a girl in the town. 

Part two consists of the incredibly unjust trial of Tom Robinson, a trial that tries the conscience of the entire town. He is clearly innocent, but he is also black, a far worse crime than rape. As the verdict is decided, Bob Ewell, the victim's father swears to get Atticus if it's the last thing he does. The climax of the story comes on Halloween when Jem and Scout are attacked, resulting in Jem's broken arm. If not for the gallant rescue by a mysterious friend, the children would have been killed for nothing more than living. But it's a sin to kill a mockingbird. 

That was the briefest of summaries but guys, sentences are hard with this book. I have too much to say. This book captivated and enchanted me and I loved these characters. As I'm short on time and words, I'll just hit a few points that really stuck with me. 

First. The mockingbirds. This book is full of mockingbirds. 

"Mockingbirds don't do one thing but make music for us to enjoy. they don't eat up people's gardens, don't nest in corncribs, they don't do one thing but sing their hearts out for us. That's why it's a sin to kill a mockingbird."

Tom Robinson, Boo Radley, Scout and Jem. They are all little mockingbirds. I adored the way each character was related to a mockingbird and how sweet they all were. They were all childlike in their way and it was gorgeous. Near the end of the book when Scout related Boo to a mockingbird after the broken arm incident. I can't with this book. Crying for days.

Second. I loved how the first half of this book consisted of little lessons that ultimately became so important during the Robinson trial. A lot of these lessons related to judging people before knowing them and trying to see things from the perspective of others. 

I love the section of the story concerning Mrs. Dubose and her morphine addiction. Jem destroys her flowers and is then forced to read to her each day. Without noticing it, each day he stays longer and longer as Mrs. Dubose slips in and out of consciousness. After she later dies we learn that she was battling a morphine addiction. Each day Jem read to her a bit longer and each day she went longer without her morphine so by the time she died, she was free of her addiction. 

"I wanted you to see something about her- I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do. Mrs. Dubose won, all 98 pounds of her. According to her views, she died beholden to nothing and nobody. She was the braves person I ever knew." - Atticus Finch

The second half too was full of little lessons. That's why this book has remained so relevant and so loved. These lessons and morals are presented so easily with no patronizing and they are presented to children. As opposed to getting preached at, we are seeing these grand ideas through the eyes of a child who has yet to be colored by society's views and opinions. They still see things with that honesty that is so beautiful about childhood. 

One of of the scenes that I had forgotten about but that is now one I vividly remember is the scene after the Robinson trial where Scout finds her third grade class talking about the beginnings of World War II and Hitler gathering up the Jews into concentration camps. Scout asks why the people of Maycomb are so upset about the innocent Jews being mistreated in Europe but see no fault in mistreating the blacks in their own neighborhood. This hypocrisy was so startling and I was mad I hadn't thought of it while I was reading. It infuriated me like it did Scout and made me so angry with the town. This book is so pure and full of such a message of love. 

Also this conversation between Jem and Scout:

"Naw, Jem, I think there's just one kind of folks. Folks."
"That's what I thought, too," he said at last, "when I was your age. If there's just one kind of folds, why can't they get along with each other? If they're all alike, why do they go out of their way to despise each other? Scout, I think I'm beginning to understand something. I think I'm beginning to understand why Boo Radley's stayed shut up in the house all this time... it's because he wants to stay inside."

Guys, this writing. It's intuitive and compassionate and there are so many little allusions and symbols. It's a book lover's dream. It's a writer's dream. It's a dream. To end this already long (but never long enough) post, here are just a few favorite quotes. Also, just read this book. Please. It's important.

"Until I feared I would lose it, I never loved to read. One does not love breathing." -Scout

"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view. Until you climb in his skin and walk around in it." - Atticus

"Well, Indian-heads- well, they come from the Indians. They're real strong magic, they make you have good luck. Not like fried chicken when you're not lookin' for it, but things like long life 'n' good health, 'n' passin' six weeks tests..." -Jem

"His lips parted into a timid smile, and our neighbor's image blurred with my sudden tears.
'Hey, Boo,' I said."- Scout. (ALSO, this is the cutest thing and most stunning passage in a book of all time. Cried like a child. Such a sweet little soft moment.)

"I willed myself to stay awake, but the rain was so soft and the room was so warm and his voice was so deep and his knee was so snug that I slept.
'An' they chased him 'n' never could catch him 'cause they didn't know what he looked like, an' Atticus, when they finally saw him, why he hand't done any of those things... Atticus, he was real nice...'
His hands were under my chin, pulling up the cover, tucking it around me.
'Most people are, Scout, when you finally see them.'
He turned ot the light and went into Jem's room. He would be there all night, and he would be there when Jem waked up in the morning."

(Just saying... Atticus Finch could tuck me into bed ANY night. That man is so classy.)

via Tumblr and also my dreams


Monday, July 29

On Saturday Niki and I drove up to Logan to see a handsome friend of mine in Fiddler on the Roof at the Utah Festival Opera. All I can say is Logan is so gorgeous. It's one of the most picturesque places I have ever been. When you walk around the main street, it feels like you are transported back into the 1960s, walking around an All-American street. It's so adorable. And the drive up. Mmmm.

Someone buy me this so I can be on Mad Men
Niki and I love shoes. We have one pair that is the same.
We both wore them today. Best friends.
The inside of the theater was stunning. It was like being inside of an
old cathedral with exposed buttresses.
We really nailed that whole Lana Del Rey/ disillusioned American Dream angst thing we were going for with these two pictures. 

The show was amazing and the sights were better. Casual lunges (inside joke. Just... I can't explain it.) abounded and the night was topped off with screaming Bohemian Rhapsody at the top of our lungs on the drive home. Because really... you cannot sing that song unless you are incredibly serious about it the entire time. And if your best friend in the whole world is with you. 

Road trips are perfect things, everyone. Go grab your best friend and head to Anytown, USA. 

Dear Sir,

Saturday, July 27

Hallo, sir. Today I came in to the spa you work at to redeem a massage coupon that has been gathering dust in my room for a few months. I received the certificate as a gift but have felt too guilty to use it. Then when the guilt went away I felt like I only wanted to use it when I felt like I deserved it.

Seeing as last night was the last night of my job and I will be finishing a program I have been working on for a year, it was high time I treated myself to a day of relaxation. You were very charming and so kind and even through the dim spa lighting, your eyes were bright and clear.

I was scared that the massage would be awkward; I was unsure if you were going to talk to me or if you did, I was afraid it would be stilted and bizarre. It was anything but. You were so personable and so driven. Your love of music was so inspiring and brilliant.

Thanks for talking to me about how much you love the little pure moments in music that everyone seems to miss. Thank you for telling me about your dreams to build the perfect guitar amp. Thank you for telling me you loved my name and telling me it sounds like the name of an author. That right there won you about 800 points.

It's people like you that make me love art and love creativity. Your soul was so connected to your hands and your hands were connected to your heart. When you started talking about your dreams for your music and electronics, I could feel the passion spilling from your hands into me. Thank you sincerely for sharing that with me today. Your passion is remarkable and something that is deserving of praise and love.

Passionate people are hard to come by. Even worse, passionate people who aren't afraid of their passion are hard to find. You aren't afraid of it and you embrace it. It's beautiful.

I loved talking music with you and talking about the horrible people who hit on us at our jobs. You're funny and sweet. Also cute. That too.

Let's go get curry sometime?



september orange

Friday, July 26

A gasp of sunlight pulls through
the September orange coating the walls,
curling with the winds and rains
of an approaching storm.
The eloquence of your heartbeat
grows stifled and changed,
enumerating your fears,
encapsulating them,
dragging you down.
A moment of grace deflowered by regret.
A breath of tomorrow exhaled by desire,
inhaled by reality.


via Tumblr

messy mind

Thursday, July 25

When I love something,
                                            I take sever ownership of it.
Like I have some deeper
                                                          Understanding and love of this thing.

When really
It's just different.

Except my favorite song. That's mine.


Some days I feel less like a person,
more like a mime.
Going through the motions,                                                                       
Vastly unnoticed,
slightly creepy
ever watching.


Waiting for change,
                              dreading its arrival.
Ever feel like you 
                             sabotage yourself?

I do.

I slow myself down
                                     so change won't come.


Change has already
                         come and gone
And I'm fine.
                                      I survived. I flourished.


What if this is the time
                                I flounder and fail?

Don't think that way.
Blah blah.

I take ownership of things,
                           get competitive.

Stifled and stilted.
Stiff and sly.

I see people with similar
                             passions, dreams.
They inspire me,
                        intimidate me.
Drive me. 

There's enough success for two.
Good vibes to them=
                                good luck for me.

Sharing is caring,
                            it's first grade.
After all,
                                it's all first grade.

via Tumblr   

Hump Day Jams

Wednesday, July 24

Another peaceful summer jam. I've been having a mellow summer music season and it's really been quite nice. This song is nice and easy like a Sunday morning. It feels peaceful and caring. I'd like someone to sing me this song.

It's called The Dress Looks Nice on You by Sufjan Stevens. He's so lovely always.

:) Have a wonderful Wednesday. We are almost to the weekend, darlings.

I can see a lot of life in you
I can see a lot of bright in you
And I think the dress looks nice on you
I can see a lot of life in you

I can see a bed and make it too
I can see a fireside turn blue
And I can see the lot of life in you
Yes, I can see a lot of life in you

When the world looks back
When the face looks after that
I can see a lot of life in you
Yes, I can see a lot of life in you

I can see a lot of life in you
I can see your bed and make it too
And I think the dress looks nice on you
Yes, I can see a lot of life in you

I can see a lot of life in you
Yes, I can see a lot of life in you

via We Heart It

Audible Adderall

Tuesday, July 23

via We Heart It
I'm sure we are all in agreement about the spectacular gift that is music. No blog is complete without a music appreciation post, I think. Music is one of those universal joys that has a way of connecting the masses and liberating souls. Lilting melodies dance in our hearts and bursting beats break our minds apart before rhythmically pulsating them back together.

It's a rare moment when I don't have music playing. It's on when I study, when I write or read, when I drive, in the background while I talk with friends. I even leave playlists running as I sleep. Music inspires me and calms me. I love feeling it surround me and press itself into me. There is a song for everything. 

Is there anything better than catching someone tapping their toes or seeing the chills rush along someone's arm when they hear a song for the first time and get so swept away. I doubt it. 

via Tumblr
Last Christmas I got one of the best presents of my entire life. The sweetheart I got them from remembered my love of music and got me a pair of noise canceling headphones. Beats headphones. Designed by Lady Gaga. The creme de la creme of headphones. And they are gorgeous.

They looked like studs and they fit perfectly. I adore them and I keep them so safe and sound. When they aren't in use, they are protected in their case. I don't share them. They are a prized possession. 

If you haven't listened to music with noise canceling headphones, do not wait any longer. It was such a vivid experience when I first listened with them and even now, months later, it amazes me when I put them in. Every part of the outside world is blocked out; it's just you and the music. I heard parts of my favorite songs I had never noticed before. I heard the singers take a breathe before each sentence they sang. I heard swelling chords and felt the deep drum beats rattling in my bones. I have never felt more connected or alive than when I have these headphones in. It's like a constant private show in my head. It's so intimate and so sensual, almost. I feel every part of the song like individual molecules entering my bloodstream. 

Today and every day, take time to shut out the world and breathe in music. 
Let it fill you. 
Let it carry you away.

midnight musings

Saturday, July 20

-I love being so excited about a new part of a story you're writing that you can't sleep at night.
-I hate being so excited about a new part of your story that you can't even write it down because thoughts are coming too quickly and too powerfully.
-sometimes i get scared to write because I don't want the first draft to be bad. so I just don't write.
-that is no good.
-memories sting in the best of ways, don't they?
-as cliche as it is, I adore Hamlet
-I can't decide if my master's degree should focus on creative writing or literature.
-that scares me.
-when it rains i feel more focused
-when it rains i feel more lazy and ready to cuddle into being unproductive.
-i like sitting in empty bath tubs after the water has drained. The porcelain stays warm long after the water has left.
-when smells sneak up on you, nostalgia burrowing into your soul, you go numb for a moment. 
-i love going numb. 


Inspirational Tag

Thursday, July 18

As I was reading my daily blogs, I came across a post from a new blog that I found recently. This girl is the cutest and she is British. So mostly I am obsessed with her and I read quite a few of her older posts as well as the post she wrote a few days back called Inspirational Tag. When you check out that post, look at her other ones. Girl has amazing style and she can write! I love her blog.

Inspiration is so excellent but it can be so hard to come by. Lately I have been feeling crazy inspired and I want to spread the wealth because I know what it feels like to be hunting for inspiration. It feels awful to feel like you have nothing to say and nothing to inspire you.

I tag all of you lovely readers to participate in this tag and share your tips for inspiration! Then when any of us feel uninspired we can look back at these posts, started by The Emerald Dove, we can get that flood of inspiration.

via Tumblr
So here are the questions to answer for this tag as well as my answers. :)

What is your favorite quotation?
What would you say to someone who feels inadequate?
What do you wish someone had told you before?
What is your advice for anyone who is being bullied?
What is your mantra in life?
What gets you down or do you find difficult and what would you say to anyone in a similar position?
Which historical figure do you identify most with?

(I love these questions by the way. Talk about getting inspiration flowing.)

What is your favorite quotation? I have a lot but one of my absolute favorites is from F. Scott Fitzgerald. He says, "That is part of the beauty of all literature. You discover that your longings are universal longings, that you're not lonely and isolated from anyone. You belong." I love this quote so much and always find a lot of inspiration in the books I read.

What would you say to someone who feels inadequate? I would tell them that we have all felt this way before. Every time you feel inadequate will be matched by at least 20 more moments when you feel perfectly adequate or even extraordinary. Every hard moment will one day be a blip on the radar of your wonderful life.

What do you wish someone had told you before? I wish someone would have told me that ti's ok to feel stuck and feel depressed. It's ok to feel down for a long time because you have been hurt. Take all the time you need to bounce back but understand that you need to feel the pain you have felt in order to move on.

via Tumblr
What is your advice for anyone who is being bullied? You are better than the person who is hurting you. I know that we are told to look at life through their eyes and try to understand that if a person is bullying us, they must be hurting too. But guess what? Just because they are hurting does NOT mean they have the right to hurt you. Nobody has that right. Ever. You are stronger than them because you chose not to bully. Choice and accountability, friends. Tell someone you trust what is happening and make something happen to end it. Be proactive.

What is your mantra in life? Another Fitzgerald quote clearly. "Vitality shows in not only the ability to persist but in the ability to start over." 

What gets you down or do you find difficult and what would you say to anyone in a similar position? What gets me down is when I feel like whatever I am being made to do is pointless. Or if I hate what I'm doing but know it will benefit me in the long run. I hate not being constantly able to live my dreams and my passions. If I had my choice all I would do all day is read and write. Sadly, life requires money and work so I have to put my passions on hold for a hot second. Sometimes it gets hard to focus on short term goals because you are blinded by your long term future and wants. Persist, guys. Don't sabotage yourself out of doing your best because you just want to get to the good part of life. Work hard in all you do and you will get there faster. Keep going.

Which historical figure do you identify most with? Anne Boleyn. Always and forever. Homegirl knew what she wanted and she worked her corseted butt off to get there. She was so smart and so clever and was ahead of her time. I identify a lot with her determination and her zeal for the things she loved. She makes me feel sexy and powerful and I always strive to be more courageous and determined as she was. Also... she is hot as hell. Captured a King's eye and didn't do the nasty with him for seven years. She's the best ever. 

via Fanpop.
That smirk. Get her out of here. 
I loved this tag! I hope to see some more responses to it! Thanks again to The Emerald Dove for starting the tag! Go love on her blog and make your own response.

TAG! You're it! 

Hump Day Jams

Wednesday, July 17

I'm not even embarrassed at how much I've listened to this song these past two days. I have been feeling really sick these past few days. Stomach sick, headaches, the works... but this song is beautiful and has made me feel a lot better. Also it has helped me sleep. Any song that can do that is ok by me.

They are British. And adorable. Their band name is the worst and their songs are guilty pleasures. But this song is the most precious song and this video is like the cutest instagram video in the world. Please to enjoy Little Things.

Get them out of here. Cuties.

Happy Wednesday! I hope you love all of your little things. :)

via Tumblr

Liebster Award!

Tuesday, July 16

Hello lovelies! My sweet friend Maddy at Just Your Average Redhead nominated me for the Liebster Award yesterday! Also... Maddy is anything but average. She is incredibly smart and witty and kind. We go way back... like elementary school back and I was so happy to be mentioned on her beautiful blog. So thank you Maddy!

Here is the low down on the Liebster.

The definition:
Liebster is German for sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, and welcome. How nice is that?
Blogging is about building a community and it's a great way to connect with other bloggers and help spread the word about newer bloggers and blogs.

The Rules:
1. Thank your Liebster Blog Award presenter on your blog and link back to the blogger who presented this award to you. 
2. Answer the 11 questions from your nominator, list 11 random facts about yourself, and create 11 questions for your nominees.
3. Present the Liebster Blog Award to 11 other blogs of 200 followers or less who you feel deserve to be noticed and leave a comment on their blog to let them know they have been chosen.
4. Copy/Paste the blog award on your blog.

So here are Maddy's questions for me! 

1. What is your favorite clothing article? My Gatsby necklace for sure. I wear it every day :)

2. What is your life motto? "Vitality shows in not only the ability to persist but in the ability to start over." - F. Scott Fitzgerald
3. Paper or plastic? Plastic for sure. 
4. What color is your hair? Naturally brown. As of now, dark brown with some red ombre. HIPSTER 4 LYFE.
Did this last Friday. Best decision.
5. What is your favorite movie? Oh geez. All the movies. Hate to be super predictable but probably The Great Gatsby. I just found it perfect. Read my thoughts here.
6. If you could live in any time period, which would you choose? I would pick the 1520-1530s in Tudor England. I'm dying to meet Anne Boleyn. She's my hero. 
7. Is the glass half full or half empty? It is half full of water and half full of air. :)
8. What is your favorite physical trait about yourself? I've always really liked my small waist. That feels weird now that I've written it down... let's just go with my  hair.
9. Who is your hero? My hero is Anne Boleyn. Homegirl knew what she wanted and went for it. 
10. What is your favorite holiday and why? I love the Fourth of July! I like being outside and I like the celebratory and connected air everyone has. I wrote about that recently here!
11. What is your biggest goal/dream in life? I want to be a published author of Young Adult fiction books as well as a literature professor at a big University. 

11 Random Facts About Me!

1. I am currently working on two different manuscripts that I hope will be my first and second published novels.
2. I can't straighten my left arm all the way because I dislocated it when I was 18.
3. I was an Irish dancer for six years. I rocked it, if that was your question.
4. In college I got to play Regan in King Lear on an outdoor Shakespearean stage in Cedar City, Utah. For photo call we had to stay outside in freezing weather for two hours which led to me having a horrible ear infection.
5. I had four pet fish that all died within 24 hours of each other.
6. I am almost done with a dental assisting certification course that will help me pay the bills as I get back to my English education.
7. I feel like I am destined to live in England at some point in my life.
8. When I was younger I used to try to break my sister's arm by pressing her arm really hard against my head when she made me mad. She thought it was so funny and would slap me across the face until I would do it to her. Thanks, Leah. 
9. I first fell in love with someone when I was 17.
10. I feel naked if I don't wear eyeliner.
11. I still sleep with my baby blankets and I am 0% ashamed of that. :)

And now time for my nominations for the Liebster Award! I wish I could nominate more people! I tried not to nominate people if I knew they had already been nominated, or if they have too many followers. I would have nominated 2999 blogs if I could have. 


1. Sarah at As Far As the Eye Can See. Don't even get me started. She uses the most beautiful words and has amazing musical taste. Her blog is also gorgeous. 
2. Laura at in the midst of all this bliss, my world is silent. Another blog full of beautiful perfect words.
3. Carly at Macaroons and Moccasins. She's the cutest and her pictures are always stellar. 
4. Elizabeth Grace at The Ramblings of a New England Girl. She's so lovely and has the best musical taste. 
5. Jessica Sara at Oh the blissful life. She's so sweet. Go love her.
6. Olivia at Oh, My Heart. I want to be her best friend. She's so cute.
7. Stephanie at Owls in my Heart. I always get so excited to see a new post from her. Coolest girl around.
8. Amy at Seafoam Eyes. Can't get enough of this blog. It's one of the first I found and I just want to be her best friend too. She's smart and hilarious. 
9. Taylor at Stories from the Mountains.  Her blog is simple and lovely. The best kind of blog!
10. Ana at The Summer of June. She's just so good. She loves planet Earth and I love her.
11. Maite at you don't love me yet. This girl is unreal. So cool.

Here are your questions, beautiful people :)

1. What is your favorite book?
2. If you could go back in time to one day of your life, when would it be and why?
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do?
4. Would you rather be too hot or too cold?
5. What is your biggest goal in life?
6. Favorite quote?
7. If you could meet one person alive or dead who would it be?
8. What is love?
9. What are you the most afraid of?
10. What is your favorite smell?
11. Why do you blog?

I cannot wait to read your responses! Thanks again to Maddy for the nomination. Stay lovely :)


Monday, July 15

Grenadine, sunshine, can you break this heart of mine
Darling I'm waiting to greet you.
Come to me, baby. 
-Lana del Rey, Bel Air

Spreading Venom Vs. Ellen Degeneres: A Treatise on Stress

Sunday, July 14

It's been the strangest week, hasn't it? Anyone else feel that way? And the storm clouds in the sky over Utah have matched the metaphysical storm clouds that have settled in over the mountaintops in my brain. This week I've just felt... bleak? Melancholy? Like I'm running on empty?

Hormonal is probably the best word. 

via Tumblr
My mind has been a mess this week. Little things set me off, stress is piling up, and I feel like I'm crumbling under it all. I feel alone and isolated and misunderstood. I hate weeks like this because when I feel this crappy I always end up feeling more crappy BECAUSE of how unjustifiably miserable I am. I am a healthy, young, successful, generally happy personage living in American in 2013. I am fine. But why do I feel like such a depressive teenager? Super huge thanks hormones and stress. Super. Huge. Thanks.

Yesterday was sort of the cherry on top of my week of hormone hemorrhage. My schedule for yesterday was this: 
  • Wake up at 6 AM (also known as the ass crack of dawn) to help with a charity yard sale for my school from 7-11:30. 
  • Leave said yard sale early to go to work for 800 years from 12-7:30.
  • Breathe at some point during the long day.
I knew that yesterday was going to be stressful. It was one of those days that because of how long you know it will be and how stressed you've been all week about it, your entire week is destroyed by it in anticipation. That was yesterday. But then it took a turn for the worst. 

I got sick. So sick. I felt like death sick. I drove around putting up yard sale signs for an hour, went back to the sale to help set up and within an hour, my stomach was twisting and clenching and punching itself. I tried to stay helpful and I put up a fight about staying to help but they sent me home.

I crawled in to bed hoping to feel better before I had to leave for work, but to no avail. I called out sick and slept the unrestful sleep of the ill all morning. When I woke up my stomach still felt anxious and my brain felt even worse. 

There's this thing called muscle memory. Once your body has done something for a long enough time period, it can be done without conscious effort. Like dancing. You learn the basic positions of ballet and after enough time they are engrained within your muscles. 

I believe that there is also emotional muscle memory. That something can happen to you that your mind remembers so vividly, that are so tattooed onto your heart that on the anniversary of that thing, your heart can hurt just like it did the year before. Yesterday was one of those days. Yesterday was an important day to me a year ago. A year ago I was so so so sad and so miserable. I was in constant pain and going through a huge trauma. But yesterday last year was sort of a beacon in the stormy sea, a day that gave last year hope. 

I think my body remembered that and freaked itself out. My emotions threw up all over my brain and made my body throw up. It got overwhelmed by the stresses of this year AND the stresses of last year. 

I have felt venom pooling in my veins all week long, almost like my body was anticipating this day. A guy I work with came up to me randomly on Tuesday night and attacked my romantic life. He told me I'd be alone for a while and that I'd be hurt really badly in another relationship before I find happiness. Part 1: You aren't allowed to say stuff like that to me unless you are my best friend. Part 2: NEVER say this to a girl who is already so scared to date and love again. It doesn't help. 

That comment, coupled with the hormones, coupled with the emotional memory recall has led to quite the build up of bioburden and venom trapped in my little body. I've been trying not to let it spread into my every day life and put me in to an emotional coma. For a second there I was losing that battle. 

Stress and overrunning emotions leaves you with two options: you can hold up a white flag of surrender and let them overtake you. OR you can find a way to defeat the stress. Wanna know the best weapon? 

Ellen Degeneres.

When I was feeling myself getting even more lost in my own head, filling with venom, I sat staring at my computer screen, pulled up to YouTube. A video recommended to me was an Ellen clip from her talk show. I watched the clip and found myself inexplicably smiling. Without knowing it, two hours had passed and my belly ached from laughing so hard and my cheeks were sore from smiling so hard.  

This is a good place to start your journey. 

She is so funny and so positive. I have the tendency to let stress spread all throughout my body and demolish me. I'm a hopeful person but if I have a painful memory that is persisting in my head, it doesn't matter how hard I try, I can't seem to remain optimistic. But Ellen brings back some optimism to my life. She makes me laugh. It like her videos are sucking out rattlesnake venom and I can feel the stress slowly leaving my body. It's pretty amazing. (I also enjoy how there is always one comment on her youtube videos that say the same thing about falling into the Ellen Video Vortex for hours without knowing what happened.) 

The next time you feel yourself being bitten by the stress bug, or a ghost from your past sneaks back onto your Facebook feed, take a break to laugh. Take the Degeneres drug and degenerate that stress. (NAILED THAT TAGLINE) 

Stay lovely. <3

To the Creeps

Thursday, July 11

Dear Creepers,

You know who you are. You are the old guys who sit in the cafe watching me mop, hoping I'll drop my mop on the ground so I have to bend over to pick it up. You are the guys who come up to me in the cafe and offer to take me to Las Vegas for some "good times and cheap liquor." Sorry, sir. Busy forever. And no, I don't want to be friends with your daughter.

You are the guy who comes in for some free dental work and tells me that my surgical mask really makes my eye color pop. (I bet you say that to all the girls.)

You are the guy that makes girls have to ask their manager to walk them to their car. You are the guy who makes girls call their friends to come follow them home after work so you don't.

You are this:

via Fanpop

I feel like your parents taught you better than this. On one hand, I admire the crazy amount of confidence you have. I mean, you are nothing if not forward and persistent. But on the other hand, THE MADNESS MUST STOP. Yes, I like when men show an interest in me. But... I am also 21. You are what..58...63 years old? I know that age is just a number but... Unless you are George Clooney... imma draw the line here. If your mustache resembles any of the three above, or you start any sentence with "my last wife" or "This woman I dated when i was your age was just as spirited as you" I AM NOT INTERESTED. I'm assuming that it was YOU that broke her spirit because you gave her creepitis. Your creep infected her. And it's infecting my bubble. So. Away with you.

I don't know what it is about a guy turning 50 that makes them think they have the right to say anything they want about the way you look if THEY think it's a compliment. Guys: IT DOES NOT. You super don't have to tell me some compliments. I'll actually take it as a greater compliment if you keep that to yourself. If your compliments or date proposals start out with "My heart surgery last month went really well so..." Straight. Up. No. Nope nope nope.

Creeps, when you hear I have boy troubles, it doesn't help the situation to say that I deserve someone better, someone older who will only support me with my goals. "Those young boys are too wrapped up in their own crap and you need someone who only focuses on you." Really? Cause... I thought a relationship was about teamwork. Not you sitting and staring at me with a creepy grin on your face as I make your latte. RIDDLE ME THAT.

You never have the right to make a person feel afraid of where they work or of driving home. You don't have the right to stare down at my body as you sit across from me until I feel naked.

Creeps, keep it in your pants, keep your eyes to yourself, and NO I don't want to come to a yoga workshop you teach. Or come to the Greek festival with you, or to a new church your friend is starting.


Every Girl Ever

PS. All of those stories/ references = 100% my life. What even is reality? What is my life?

Hump Day Jams

Wednesday, July 10

Well I am back into the swing of school! Kind of. I'm almost done and it's so hard to motivate, you know? And this week has been a whirlwind of stuff to deal with. Almost done with school, helping with a yard sale on Saturday, work for the next four days straight, MOVING is finally figured out hopefully!

Adult life, am I right?

The world keeps going and going and going and I feel like I'm stuck standing here watching it twirl around me. Like I'm standing in the center of a globe while everything just keeps spinning out of control.

This has been one of my favorite songs for years and years. It's called The World Spins Madly On by The Weepies, one of the best bands ever. They are so soft and perfect for cold winter nights and for summer nights where you need soft sounds to relax you. I need that this week when my world is spinning madly on. And this video is gorgeous, definitely my favorite video on youtube. It's gorgeous.

I hope your week is going great and that this song can calm any stormy seas out there.

Via Tumblr

Lord, Beer Me Sunday

Sunday, July 7

Is Sunday not the best day of all the days? I love the vibe that Sundays have. Even on Sundays that I have a lot to do, those famous Sundays in high school filled with homework and projects, the Sundays now that I usually spend working, everyone seems more relaxed and at ease. I forgive myself more procrastination on Sundays.

I have a mind that never ever stops. I push myself to my limits and I keep myself as busy as humanly possible. I have a lot I want to do with my life and a lot to do in these next few months. But Sunday seems to be the day that I'm able to give my mind a break and I don't seem to worry as much. It's truly my day of rest.

This week is going to be a long one. It's always hard to get back into the swing of normal life after a vacation and my week off of school was a much needed mini vacation, along with my favorite holiday. I caught up on sleep, I read a lot, I wrote a lot, I luckily didn't have to work a whole lot this last week.

But this coming week is going to be an event. Getting back in to school mode even though senioritis, or whatever the equivalent of what I am is, is creeping in and seeping into everything. I'm so ready to be done with my job at Barnes and Noble. As much as I love my job, it's time, you know? I'm ready to be a dental assistant. I work a bit more this week than last so that will be a thing. And a housing snafu has appeared which needs to be dealt with before I feel peace of mind again. (Side note, can we all agree to use the word snafu more?) I have so much to do next week.

But today, it doesn't even matter. I work for a few hours, I'm gonna watch Pride and Prejudice and swoon over Mr. Darcy, I'm gonna order a pizza. And I'm gonna get my strength up for this week.

Thank the Lord for Sunday, the day to rally the troops. TALLY HO TO MONDAY!

Via Tumblr. Me. Every Sunday and every day.

Tell Me I'm Your National Anthem

Friday, July 5

The 4th is my favorite holiday by far. (Someone link me back to this post at Christmas but.... I'm pretty positive it's my favorite.) I like being outside, I love my family and friends, I love fried food. FIREWORKS. WATER FIGHTS! It's all good. And there isn't that pressure that seems to tag along with Christmas like the tag you forgot to remove from your father's Christmas present. I just love it. 

This was my song of the day: 
Lana is always my song of the day.

This was my day: 

Small hometown parade with the best friends.
"Niki show me your Merica face!"
Favorite picture of the day 
Ron Swanson Van
Our parade ends with the best water war ever.
We were soaked and happy. 
100% the world's best corn dog. And snow cone.
Niki and I went to the park to have a little relaxation in the sun.
It was the best part of the day. Nice and sun kissed.
We went to the fair by our old High School and bought these
awesome cuffs! Only $5 each! And very suited to our personalities.
They had a cover band who kicked ass. And we danced.
We cried. We laughed. We were the only people dancing who weren't 8.
A good day!

Then I got home after sitting in traffic for eight years. 

I filled my bath and my sun soaked body slipped into the silky, stinging water. My skin, kissed lightly by the sun was bitten by the hot warter. It wasn't unfomfortable. It honestly made me feel... settled. It was such an amazing day. The sting on my skin felt like tiny fireworks of accomplishment and joy. It mean that I spent my entire day outside, my favorite kind of day. I spent my day with family and friends. And my favorite holiday. Sure, the sun hangover and the fried food hangover got me later that night, and is carrying on today, but yesterday was beyond perfect.

I hope your holiday was just as lovely.