A New Beginning

Thursday, October 25

So hey. I started a blog back in January and I loved that blog. That blog served me well. But after a while, that blog didn't feel like me anymore. I reread a lot of my posts, and while I still like a lot of what I said, I feel completely different now. I've changed, I've grown. I'm happier now than I've been in a long time and I'm ready to begin anew.

The title of this blog comes from a very special book, one of my favorites actually. It's called The Book Thief and it's probably the most beautiful books I've ever read. I refer to it a lot so, get used to that if you plan on reading this much. ANYWAY, the quote is said by my favorite character, who is also the love of my life. Max Vandenburg. Oh my heart melts for him. I picture his as James Franco, with a bit of Joseph Fiennes circa Shakespeare in Love and also Jewish.

He is hiding in the basement of Liesel Meminger and one day, he asks her to report the weather to him. She says, "The sky is blue today, Max, and there is a big long cloud, and it's stretched out, like a rope. At the end of it, the sun is like a yellow hole..."

"On the wall, he painted a long, tightly knotted rope with a dripping yellow sun at the end of it, as if you could dive right into it. On the ropy cloud, he drew two figures- a thing girl and a withering Jew- and they were walking, arms balanced, toward the dripping sun. Beneath the picture, he wrote the following sentence."

It was a Monday, and they walked on a tightrope to the sun.

....Mm, right? I've loved this since the first time I read the book years ago. I've never really understood why this line stuck out to me so much until I realized it conveys such a huge sense of hope.

Life is like a tightrope act. You try so hard to balance so much without losing it completely, and falling into the emptiness that is always beneath you. The glimmering sun of hope is always up ahead, just out of reach as you push forward on your rope. Whether you are walking hand in hand with a withering Jew, or navigating the rope yourself, you must keep pushing forward.

This is an attitude I want to retain throughout my life. I've had a mess of a life these past few months. It was as if I'd stopped and sat down on my tightrope, precariously perched on a fragile rope, waiting for the emptiness beneath me to swallow me whole. But then I realized, this is a waste of time. I am not this person. I love life. I love who I am. I am all I need to worry about. I. Am. Unbreakable.

This realization hit a few days ago. I mean fully hit. There were times when I talked like this, trying to convince myself I was ok, even though I never was. I needed more time to sit on my rope. But now I back full force, balancing gracefully and moving forward toward my sun. If you choose to be a person in my life, I'm happy to have you here. And if you've chosen to remove yourself from my life, or treat me like crap until I am forced to remove you, I am so sorry. It's been real knowing you, but I'm worth more. I hope you miss me. I'll have fun remembering you. Bless you. 

I am so excited to be myself again and even MORE excited to be writing again! I cannot wait to share my life with you all again :) I've missed this. And don't think I haven't stalked all of your blogs this whole time. You're great. You're beautiful. I love you. I hope you come back for more words soon :)